Goldilocks is an Idiot

I generally don’t like to describe people in such certain terms, but in this case, its warranted.

Goldilocks, as you may recall, was a little girl who, while lost in the woods, came across a house in which lived 3 bears of varying sizes.

Papa Bear is big. Mama Bear is medium. Baby Bear is small.

The bears aren’t home when Goldi gets there; they weren’t expecting her. She enters the house (breaking several laws in the process), and decides to partake in the various amenities provided by the house.

She starts off with the Porridge. To this day, I have never seen an actual bowl of porridge. Anyway, she starts with papa bear's and determines that its too hot. She moves on to Mama bear's, and determines that its too cold. Then she moves on to baby bear’s, and its just right.

Super. Her tummy is now full with the porridge that she had no business eating. What better way to digest than to sit in a chair? This is where the idiocy starts to kick in. Instead of starting with the baby’s chair, which is the logical choice after eating the baby's porridge, she first goes through Papa Bear’s and Mama Bear’s chairs.

It could be argued that there wasn’t enough data, at this point, to establish a pattern. If something only happens once, its not yet a pattern, but I suggest that common sense should’ve played a role. “I’m kinda small, and Baby Bear’s chair is kinda small…. maybe I should try Baby Bear’s first!”

Then, she’s sleepy. Now, there is plenty of historical data to establish that she should, very obviously, start with baby bear’s bed. She had engaged in 2 previous exercises, both of which resulted in violation of baby bear’s personal property and food. Why not save a few minutes and go right for the prize?

So, Goldi’s about as dumb as they come. That golden curly hair is only going to get her so far in life.

I was disappointed in the end. When the bears returned home, Goldi simply ran away. The Bears would’ve been well within their rights (especially under Florida law), to shoot Goldi in the face. Or, perhaps more appropriately, eat her. Their failure to consume her was not due to compassion or forgiveness; it was because they were too busy looking at and discussing the various things that Goldilocks had done. They had very poor reflexes, even by bear standards.

Goldilocks is not a good role model, with all of the law breaking and stupidity. I advise you to not expose your precious child to this horrendous story of criminal intent and stupidity.